What do you do when things you expect to see don't happen. What do you think when you try to teach someone hoe to act and they make fun or lie to you. How do you act when you fight feelings of feeling like your all alone. When you feel like a loser. When you feel like you may never connect with someone and get married one day. What do you do when you feel forgotten. What do you think when kids don't change. What do you do when you don't feel like your changing and feel like maybe your being exposed as a "fake" or at least not as real as the rest. Why do I go silent at aim right during our Monday meetings, and ask questions and give answers around Prodigals Home.
Why is it that these thoughts have only been roaming through my head since last Thursday. Is it bad I don't just want answers like, "just pray about it, or "it's just the devil trying getting to you" or "you may not see it now, but your having a big impact".
To be honest the stereotypical "Mennonite" answers don't always help. I already know most of them. And they may very well be true. But it's not what I need right now. I not even sure I know how to describe it. Lost, forgotten, unknown, tired, unwillingness I have felt all those.
Yet there was a promise made, that for me to succeed in my future I would need to leave the familiar leave old habits behind and to do that I had to leave home. I wanted to go learn and experience life from a different view point. And I've seen thing that frustrate me, scare me, excite me, and make me not want to wait for the future. There are days when I feel I never want to have my own kids, and then I have days when I wish I could skip forward to a possible point where I'm married and have a 4 year daughter. Kids who don't listen to you and kids that know your name and you don't know there's.
Do I even have a question?
Why am I here? Where am I going? Will anyone go with me? Can I lead? Could I lead a charge into battle?
How will I look back on this time here.
So I close my eyes and go back in time. You were just a child then and so was I. We were so young, we had no fear. We were so young, we had no idea... Or.... We were so young, we had just begun a song we knew, but it never sung, it burned like fire inside our lungs. And life was just happening.
That was a quote from one of my favorite songs.
Part of me tells me that I must end this on a inspirational note. Something profound or God inspired showing that I am secure, but I'm not. That's why I'm here! Knowing I don't have the finished product, and willing to recognize that I'm so far away. So I don't have to say I'm ok. To be honest I'm an idiot! I came to the slope! Why am I here?
I think the Christian world might be well suited to have more idiots.
Why do inaccuracies bug me so much. Why do we hold one sin above other sins?
Why don't we talk about it.
One day I feel I'll have my answers, and I don't think everyone will agree with me. Some may avoid me all together because of them. I don't think I'm crazy to ask God if he could give a answer to my question...
Do I matter now, and will I be a man that matters in the future?
To me this feels like risk. I don't know of to many VSers that ask these questions. I don't know if the questions were clear or if I contradicted myself once or twice. I'm the only VSer I know that doesn't like asking for prayer. I'd rather ask for action. As powerful as prayer is! Christians HIDE behind it way to much, and use it as a substitute.
I don't want to be silent I want to speak, but I don't. I want to act, but I don't. I want to be wise, but I'm not. I want to matter! What's holding me back? I am.
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